Serendipity in Reunion: Doors We Never Expected to Open

Point A:
The definition of serendipity is the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way. Well that is what Elle was!

Elle was a fellow adoptee from Iowa. She had joined Twitter and started following many adoptee activists. Elle was also a breast cancer survivor. She had petitioned Iowa courts to open her records while fighting cancer, but Iowa didn’t feel that her breast cancer was “good cause.” It was years later that she would decide to reach out to the adoptee community and learn about getting laws changed.

About this time I had been in a horrible car accident and my life was in an upheaval. I was staying at home for the first time in my adult life. There were some changes happening in our family dynamics as well, which led me to the adoptee community as well.

Elle reached out to Amanda Woolston and asked if she knew of any grassroots movement in Iowa. I had just joined Twitter as an “Iowa Adoptee” and started following Amanda. It was then that Amanda asked if she could connect us two.

Elle and I immediately started emailing each other. It must have been only a couple emails when she told me where she grew up. I couldn’t believe my eyes! She was from the same hometown as Point A. Elle not only knew Point A, but graduated with my cousins! Talk about serendipity.

Point A:
I have no idea how many people can honestly say that a complete stranger has impacted their life more than they can describe. But I thank God every day that I am one of these people. She not only impacted my life, she also had a lifelong impact on yours.

As you described in your blog, this experience is many times referred to as “serendipity.”

I’m sure that I’ve told you this story but our reunion journey wouldn’t be complete without me telling it again.

The standard belief and policy told to birthmoms during my era was that we gave up all of our rights as soon as we signed our name on that life-altering signature line. We had NO RIGHT to EVER search, NO RIGHT to EVER disrupt, NO RIGHT to EVER destroy the children’s lives that we had given birth to. This was probably the only thing that they drilled into me that I believed. But I ALWAYS prayed that you would search for me and I would welcome you with open arms. I said this phrase to myself more times than there are stars in the sky.

Then one night in 1990, I went to a support group (not associated with adoption) that I had been attending for a few months. I don’t know if the girl who sat next to me was a new girl and actually I only remember one thing about her. She made the decision to share some of her deepest fears with our group that night. She had no idea how her decision to express her fears that night would totally change both of our lives. Unfortunately she will never know and I will never be able to thank her because I never saw her again.

She began her story by saying that she was adopted as a baby. She always knew she was adopted, had wonderful parents (adoptive) and had a very happy life. My stomach began to do somersaults. I was already scared where her story was going and how I was going to react. This was her story. This was not my story. I did not know your story. I felt I needed to keep my emotions in control. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. She continued to talk for what seemed like at least an hour to me. The rest that she wanted to share was that she had a desire to search for her birthmom. But she didn’t feel SHE HAD THE RIGHT to search, SHE didn’t have the RIGHT to disrupt HER life or the RIGHT to destroy HER life.

Hearing the same words come out of her mouth that I said to myself over and over almost pushed me over the edge. I was afraid that I was going to get sick right there in front of the entire group. I didn’t know then and I still don’t know today how I managed to appear calm until the meeting was over but I did. The girl left immediately after the meeting but I truly don’t think I could have told her my story.

I went home that night and told John a recap of the girl’s story. I didn’t feel that I was betraying the group’s trust of confidentiality plus I trusted John more than anyone. My reaction to her feelings was pretty simple and very strong to me. Her feelings about her RIGHTS of searching and disrupting her birthmom’s life were exactly the same that I felt about your life except from the other side. This had NEVER crossed my mind. I wasn’t so naive to think that you had to have these same feelings. But WHAT IF you did?

If that was the way you felt, I would NEVER see you again, I would NEVER be able to give you medical history and most important to me I would NEVER be able to tell YOU OUR STORY. I told John that I had to be brave enough to search for you. Without skipping a beat, he told me that he would support my decision 100%. The next day I called the adoption agency and requested the non-identifying information on your adoption. That was the first step in my successful, life-changing search for you.

Image Descriptions (for accessibility):

1. Image 1: A small green bulb sprouting leaves, planted inside a silver crown-shaped pot, sits on the edge of melting snow with green grass poking through.

2. Image 2: A bright red front door is open, revealing a sunlit interior hallway with another door visible in the background.