For the Best? A Different View on Adoption and Loss

Point A:

Elle and I had been communicating for a while when we decided to form a Facebook group to start grassroots efforts in Iowa to change laws to obtain Original Birth Certificates. During this time I was also helping her search for her biological family.

It was in the spring of that following year, when we found her biological family. Elle was so excited. She pondered her first letter to them for days. She so desperately wanted it to all work out. We had talked often about my reunion. About how reunions are this incredible emotional roller coaster ride and not for the faint of heart. So many adoptees struggle with their emotions. These emotions come from all sides. We are confronted with opinions at every turn. In my case, my adoptive family was not happy about my reunion. Jealousy, betrayal and insecurities came into play unlike anything I could have ever imagined.

Elle’s reunion was going great! She had the support of her husband and children, her adoptive parents and now a biological family. She was truly on a ride of her life. I often tell those searching that there is a reason a reunion waxes and wanes, and that is to give everyone a chance to process. Although Elle was loving her reunion, it was all happening so fast. She had a history of depression and unbeknownst to me, it was surfacing again.

It was a brisk Autumn afternoon when I got the call. Elle had killed herself. I fell to the floor, my breath taken from me. How? How could this be? She was brought to me in such a way that it was almost unbelievable. We were on a mission. She was my push, my force to move forward on legislation. We were going to conquer Iowa and for the first time in my life I felt like I had a purpose! And just like that it was all gone, I was adrift.

I swore off all legislation and all searching. I was never again going assist anyone searching. My heart just couldn’t handle it. Everyone said her suicide was due to her depression, but I knew the truth. Adoptees are 44% more likely to attempt suicide. I am in no way saying that her reunion was 100% to blame, nor do I think Adoptees should not search. But her death would be for nothing if I didn’t mention the statistics. I personally just couldn’t be a part of anything adoption related.

It took many, many months to collect myself. I did a lot of soul searching. I do not consider myself a religious person. I was raised in the Methodist Church and was as active as Methodist get. Later on in life I found myself to be more spiritual. Spending time in quiet places brought me more reverence than a church ever did. I am not even sure how it happened but I was led to a passage in the Bible. Proverbs 31:8: Speak up for those that cannot speak for themselves.

Iowa's legislation had just started and you will once again find me in the rotunda of the Iowa Capitol. Speaking for those that cannot speak for themselves. Speaking for Elle.

Point B:

As you and I have talked numerous times, every search and reunion is an emotional roller coaster. Unfortunately no one can predict the effects of this ride on each of us. Now that we have both personally experienced it we can only educate others with the hope to prepare them for the wild ride.

The first time I saw the extreme affects of "The Ride" was with a mature, educated adoptee named Jan. I won't go into detail but the point of her story is that even after her attendance to many months of support group meetings she was not prepared for the reunion she was about to encounter. We called it "bittersweet". Her birthmom carried her secret very deep and was not willing to ever acknowledge her. That was the bitter part. But the sweet part is that she had other children that were thrilled to accept another sibling into their circle. It was definitely sweet because Jan had been raised as an only child. The part that surprised me was the unlying sadness and change that I noticed about her over the following months. I don't know that these changes were all due to our reunion experience but I know without a doubt it played a huge part in it. Over time she found the new self she wanted to become. Looking back now I think it helped give her the strength to pursue her true dreams.

It wasn’t until after Elle's tragic death that I became aware of the statistics stated in your blog, adoptees have a 44% higher risk of suicide. According to a survey, 97% of birthmoms experience some form of depression, 51% severe depression and 63% consider suicide. I realize that many circumstances enter into these mental health conditions. However, I also strongly believe that it's time to acknowledge the fact that adoption trauma is real and painful.

I have always struggled with the following comment made to me about your adoption: "You know it was for the best." I didn't really know how to reply without making it completely personal. Now I know what I want to say. I won't be speaking just for myself. It will also be for Jan and Elle and the thousands of others who can't speak for themselves.

Image Description (for accessibility)

1. Image 1 (lightning in clouds) – Caption: “When the storm feels overwhelming, we remember that statistics tell a deeper truth about adoption trauma.”

2. Image 2 (pink coneflower with verse) – Caption: “Proverbs 31:8 reminds us: Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves.”