Suitcases of Fear
Point B:
Given the fact that we will be celebrating our 25th anniversary of our reunion this year, I am a little surprised to be writing this blog. Please note that I said "little" not completely.
I firmly believe that every person has their own insecurities and fears. Some of us talk and display them more than others. Some of us can keep them "in check" easier than others. But we all have them.
I've shared most of my list with you over the years and many of the items don't relate only to our reunion so I won't mention those now. I do find it strange that we haven't ever discussed what fears we each still hold about our reunion. If we have told each other, let's just say I'm older and we should talk about it again. Thinking back to that long ago night, sitting in my spare room about to call you for the very first time I would have needed a moving truck to pack up my fears. But through your amazing acceptance and love, I ditched that truck many years ago. So I packed up my remaining fears in my "birthmom" suitcase and continued down our journey. What a marvelous trip it has been and we have so much more of our trip to go. But like every trip, I've packed away cherished souvenirs along the way so now my suitcase is starting to get a little heavy again. I'm not willing to unpack any of our souvenirs so that leaves only a fear that I must unpack. It's my biggest one of all. I've known what this fear has been all along. It's been a part of me since that phone call so long ago. I've known that I wanted to include it in one of my blogs. But until this very moment, I did not realize how scared I am to write it on paper. Maybe I would be better to leave it packed up, unpack something much easier and tear up this blog and start writing all over. Then you would never know. But I can't even explain why I don't want to tell you. It's not about you never knowing. I realized that as soon as I wrote the sentence. I DON'T EVER WANT TO SAY OUT LOUD OR WRITE MY BIGGEST FEAR. If I thought keeping it bottled up inside of me could help it get smaller then I would do that. But that hasn't worked so far. There are so many reasons to unpack it now. It's a new year. It's our 25th reunion anniversary. I believe in us. We started our blog with the hope of not only helping ourselves but maybe others along their journey. Plus this suitcase is getting too darn heavy to carry and I need more room for better things.
So here goes...
I'M SCARED I WILL LOSE YOU AGAIN.
Point A:
I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s been hurt many times. Yet I’ve never been one to shy away from letting someone in my heart. I guess that’s why it surprises me that I protect it from you (and my dad and siblings).
Love is not something to be measured. You either love someone or you don’t. When I had my children my oldest didn’t receive less love when the next was born.
I know I love you but I do keep my authentic feelings at bay. Not because I’m resentful or angry. Not because of my adoptive parents (I’ve dealt with that a long time ago).
I think because I’m scared to truthfully admit to myself how much I need you all in my life. So please, if I let you in, promise not to break anything.
Image Descriptions for Accessibility
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Image 1 (Suitcase of Fears): A woman in a long brown dress with red hair sits on an old suitcase in the middle of a wooded path, looking down as if in thought. Text overlay reads: "How full is our suitcase of fears."
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Image 2 (Locked Heart): A close-up of a green wooden door secured with a silver padlock. The padlock has a red heart painted on it. Text overlay reads: "If I let you in promise not to break anything."