The Family Puzzle: Labels, Boundaries, and Belonging

Point B:

Your emotional week at the hospital with your bio-dad (Point C) and his family plus reading your thoughts on our last blog have definitely stirred up a mixture of feelings deep within me. We have talked endless times about boundaries, where we fit in with each other’s present lives and the labels people use and are they really important.
Through our twenty-five years of our reunion, I have been blessed to be a part of your three children growing up. A decision was made at the time to not share with the kids that I was your birthmom.

IT WAS A DECISION THAT WE BOTH SUPPORTED

Eventually they figured out there was something “more to our story” so they were ready to hear it. They have ALWAYS been family and grandchildren to me. I hope they think of me as family too. Honestly I would be surprised if they thought of me as a grandmother figure at all. The label is not the important part. To me it’s the feelings within your heart that are the important part. Unbelievable to me, you now have three amazing granddaughters. My heart beats with pure joy when I watch or see photos of you spending time together. The last time I was with you and the girls I found myself questioning what my answer would be if I was asked who I was besides Kathy. I want to be an important part of their family that they will remember long after I’m gone. To accomplish that it will take my time. But what reward could be more priceless than love. I still struggle very much with not knowing where I fit in your family puzzle. I can visualize your family finishing your puzzle in your cozy eating area. There’s only one piece left on the table and everyone takes their turn trying their best to make it fit in that last empty space. But it’s impossible to make that jagged edged piece to fit into that smooth edged piece that remains open. I can hear someone become frustrated and they toss the piece down on the table saying “There’s no way this piece belongs with this puzzle”. But before anyone leaves the table, you notice something on the back of the piece.

TWO SIMPLE WORDS
ADOPTEE
BIRTHPARENT

The missing piece in our puzzle doesn’t have our name on it but rather the label that is assigned to us. In the Adoption World, we will always have that label.
We’ve talked so many times about labels and my opinion hasn’t changed completely. But a thought did cross my mind. There are many family members that always call you by your first name. Others use countless terms of endearment and also nicknames that people call you that they feel fits their relationship with you perfectly. I may be crossing over my boundary by miles but I would love for you and your family to consider the possibility of any of your children and grandchildren to call me something other than Kathy.

LET’S TALK TO OUR FAMILY
INCLUDING CHILDREN ABOUT
WHERE ADOPTION FITS INTO
OUR FAMILY CIRCLE

Point A:

Our journey has been one of great joy for me, but also struggles. Not just the “us” but the “me” has been hard. I have learned so much about myself through all of this. Things I never knew were related to my adoption. Characteristics I had that were due to nothing more than plain and simply my genes. But in saying that I have also discovered a lot about me that was influenced by the environment in which I was raised. In particular, labels. My mom never liked it when I called other women “Mom.” She was a very insecure lady. As I look back, it is clear that I don’t call anyone else “Mom” but her. My girlfriends have always called each others parents by either mom or dad, but not me. I don’t even call my mother-in-law, Mom, after 30 years. Not that I was ever told not to call her Mom but that it was just ingrained in me not to make my Mom jealous. She has always struggled with me having relationships with any other “mother” figures and you were her ultimate fear.

As my kids grew they knew who you were but I am sure they sensed how uncomfortable I and their grandmother were with calling you anything other than your name. I do regret allowing my relationship with my mother to cloud my judgment in affording my children the right to choose their own dialogue. When we went to Springfield to see Anne Fessler, my daughter was taken back by someone asking her how she felt being the offspring of two adoptees. She said that was the first time anyone ever asked or even cared what she felt. That made me sad.

I have wasted so much time tiptoeing both sides of my fence. On one side I am your daughter and the other side I am her daughter. I am learning to love myself, whoever that may be, through this process. We have talked in depth about how any sane person could never survive a reunion. I thank God everyday that I am not sane. :)

Image Description 

Image 1: A close-up of a bright blue jigsaw puzzle with one missing piece. Over the empty white space, a single puzzle piece is shown slightly raised as if it’s about to be placed. The piece has an irregular, jagged edge, symbolizing how difficult it can be to make something fit. Text in bold black letters reads:

“WILL OUR FAMILY PUZZLE EVER BE COMPLETED?”

The With No Direction© logo appears in the upper right corner.

Image 2: A cozy, contemplative scene: an open book lies on a wooden table beside a hand holding a dark cup of coffee. Overlaid in bold white text is a quote by Brené Brown:

“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we will ever do.”

The With No Direction© logo appears in the top left corner.