The Wishing Well of Regret
Point B:
All alone in that cold, bare hospital room, I held you in my arms for the first and only time in both of our lives. When the nurse came in to take you back to the nursery, I kissed you one last time with tears running down my cheeks and put you in her arms. For nine months, I knew the decision of not raising you would haunt me the rest of my life. That was definitely true. I thought of you every day. However now I realize with the help of a great counselor and a lot of work, the cost of not following my heart affected so many, if not all, aspects of my life. Most of my feelings about myself have been buried deep within me and I didn't realize how they were affecting me. As we have discussed, you carry within you feelings surrounding adoption. I believe that your dad also carries his own feelings about your adoption. So I would say that ALL THREE OF US HAVE PAID A VERY HEAVY PRICE FOR THE TWO OF US NOT FOLLOWING OUR HEART SO MANY YEARS AGO.
Point A:
You and I have talked in depth about our feelings over the last 25 years. We still struggle with the decisions made for us but the thing that hurts so much for me is my Point C's pain.
Many times the focus is on the birthmom and I understand that but my birth father holds a significant place in my reunion journey. He, unfortunately, has not had the resources we have had to process our feelings.
He speaks of the despair he felt, his desperation in wanting to raise me, and his helplessness of having no rights in 1971. I see the pain in his face as he speaks about his life after you left for the unwed mothers home. I know that time away was not easy on you but his life was hard too. Staying in small town Iowa with all the whispers and snickers was no picnic for him. He suffered great sorrow. He talks about being lost and going to a "bad" place in his life. But then someone came along and saved him. His wife. She and his children always knew about me. He held onto the hope that some day he, too, would get the chance to hold me in his arms.
I can't say whether you two would have made it as a couple and the what ifs make closure so difficult. But I can positively say you would have been fantastic parents to me.
Image Descriptions:
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A stone wishing well overgrown with ivy, set in a forest clearing, with the words: “The cost of not following your heart, is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.”
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A close-up of a metal drawer handle on a wooden surface with a quote: “Toss your dashed hopes not into a trash bin but into a drawer where you are likely to rummage some bright morning. – Robert Brault”