Christmas Reflections
Point B:
The Christmas that I was pregnant with you was very different than any other that I’ve spent so far in my life. As you know, I was living at the unwed mother’s home. Your due date was January 2nd so it was out of the question that I would go home for the holidays. However, I wouldn’t have gone home anyway because none of my nieces and nephews were allowed to see me pregnant. Actually I was fine about being away from home that year considering all of the circumstances. The unfortunate part was that all of the other girls did go home. I remember very little about Christmas day. I wasn’t sad. It seemed like just any other day except for the fact that no one else was there. I truly only have one memory that will always be very vivid in my mind. I spent the majority of the day painting ceramics in our activity room. I could watch the beautiful snowflakes cover the huge evergreens outside the big windows. In the corner of the room stood a pretty multicolored lit Christmas tree that all of the girls had decorated earlier. I was listening to Christmas music on the radio. Over the years whenever I thought of this memory, I felt like I should have a feeling of loneliness come over me. Even when I chose my picture and saying for today’s blog, I still considered my feelings surrounding this holiday as being alone. But I struggled with expressing those feelings in writing. Something seemed off. But I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then two weeks ago as we were sitting together in my living room, I casually mentioned how much I loved to listen to Christmas music with the lights glowing on the tree. Maybe I imagined it but it seemed like before I even finished my sentence, an amazing look appeared on your face. You told me that this was also one of your favorite things to do during the Christmas season. I realize that many people share our love for both of these holiday traditions. But I think you will understand and believe that as we were talking about this, a warm feeling ran through my body. It wasn’t until two nights ago that all of the memories from that Christmas 46 years ago have truly made sense to me. I thought I should remember feeling lonely picturing myself sitting all alone in that room that day. But that’s not what I felt. Now I understand why I haven’t felt that way. It’s because I wasn’t alone that day. If someone would have walked into the room, they would disagree with that statement. It’s because you were with me that Christmas day. I also believe that we have been together every Christmas since then. I have felt you in my heart every Christmas when I listen to the songs of the season and look at the beautiful lights on the tree. I hope that I was also in your heart during these times.
Point A:
I have always loved Christmas. My Christmases growing up was everything anyone could dream. Our house was always decorated to the hills, with a beautiful tree, amazing mantle above our fireplace and a multitude of presents.
I have to honestly say you were not in the forefront of my thoughts at Christmas until I had my own children. My house was always filled with the joy of the holidays but unlike my own parents, mine included holiday music playing loud.
I loved Christmas music so much that I would start playing it after Halloween, until my husband made me promise not to turn it on until December 1st. I found such peace listening to the beautiful music and sitting in the dark of the night with only the lights of my tree.
Many of my friends would say how they enjoyed that too, but none found quite the reverence that I felt. I often used it as time to reflect on the past year, look to the future and wonder about you.
Image Descriptions
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First Image: A bare white tree covered in snow, standing alone on a snowy hill against a bright blue sky. Text overlay reads:
“It was a Merry Christmas for them but loneliness for me.”
(With No Direction® watermark). -
Second Image: A close-up of a sparkly pink Christmas ornament, blurred multicolored holiday lights in the background. Text overlay reads:
“On a silent night when friends are few. I close my eyes and think of you, a silent night, a silent tear, a silent wish that you were here…”
(With No Direction® watermark).